Can't Let You Go
by Premonition85
Summary: HEY, i used to be under another name but i'm back and I've edited and fixed some of my old work. Serena and Darien were in love once, they might have gotten married if it weren't for her family. But who said life was fair, now a recovering alcoholic she f


Well hello everyone, as you read this story some of you might recognize it, I used to have it posted under another name, since then however I deactivated that account and have long since forgotten my password let alone my old email. So I'm back with a new name and a lot of editing and rewriting, this is more what I originally was going for but was to naïve, to pull off then. I will warn you new chapters may take a while to come out as I have a job and school and a personal life to contend with but I am working on writing them. I hope you like it!

So without further pomp her we go…

Disclaimer:

I don't own sailormoon or any of the characters within, and the song is by Michelle Branch so I don't own it either.

**Can't Let You Go**

Author Premonition85

Rated R or M to be on the safe side

**"Here With Me" **Michelle Branch

It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror  
I guess that I was blind  
Now my reflection's getting clearer  
Now that you're gone things will never be the same again

There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day  
You're such a part of me  
But I just pulled away  
Well, I'm not the same girl  
you used to know  
I wish I said the words I never showed

I know you had to go away  
I died just a little, and I feel it now  
You're the one I need  
I believe that I would cry just a little  
Just to have you back now  
Here with me  
Here with me

You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart  
And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true  
But I was scared and left it all behind

I know you had to go away  
I died just a little, and I feel it now  
You're the one I need  
I believe that I would cry just a little  
Just to have you back now  
Here with me  
Here with me

And I'm asking  
And I'm wanting you to come back to me  
Please?

I never will forget that look upon  
your face  
How you turned away and left  
without a trace  
But I understand that you did what you had to do  
And I thank you

I know you had to go away  
I died just a little, and I feel it now  
You're the one I need  
I believe that I would cry just a little  
Just to have you back now  
Here with me  
Here with me

Something about tonight has me disturbed. I do not know what, but I can feel that fate has once again put wheels into motion that will irrevocably change my life. The last time that happened, I gained and then lost the most important thing I had, love. I always thought it was simply a word of affection often over used, as I had never truly experienced it.

In my family, there was no such thing as love only words like honor, discipline, and pride. I learned at a young age the dangers of breaking any of these family codes. Therefore, I became the dutiful daughter of one of Illinois finest families and did as I was told at all times. I even grew to except my fate to marry the son of a family friend when I turned twenty, a business merger in reality. To me however it was more like a cruel twist of fate. Andrew and I had always been close, which may have had something to do with our families constantly pushing us together, in a way he was like the brother I never had and one of the few people to which I had an emotional bond. I missed our conversations dearly when he was away at school, which was becoming more and more often. His family was grooming him to take over the Family Business, training him to be the perfect heir in everyway. Andrew always had a way to cheer me up when the pressures of society were too much; we were each other's best friend and keepers of each other's secrets.

Then one-year things changed it was the summer I turned 15, Andrew brought home his roommate and friend from school Darien Hargrave. I had heard the family name before of course, as anyone who knows Illinois history should. The Hargrave's had helped in our state's establishment; they also had many family holdings in Southern Illinois, which caused most of the family to have a superiority complex. Most of the time they stayed in their east coast home in Charleston.

When I first met him, I admit I was a little hurt. Like a child I would think, how dare he come in between Andrew and me. Andrew was my best friend not his, I was the one that he shared secrets with, me not Darien. I acted like a brat around him at first, we would argue of course he would call me a selfish child, and I would comment on how arrogant and conceited he was. It annoyed me how easily he got under my skin, and that the few times we touched or brushed each other in passing my body would tingle as if it were on fire. Eventually Andrew set us both down I remember the conversation so clearly. Is it not odd how some moments are etched perfectly into ones mind and how others seem to have never happened?

We were outside on the terrace arguing as usual when Andrew came outside I cannot remember ever seeing him so annoyed before. He slammed his drink on the table next to us and told us both to sit down and listen because he was only going to say this once….

"Darien I consider you a friend, however if you continue to pick on Serena we are going to have a problem, she's practically family and will always be a part of my life." His face so stern as he said it.

Inside I was singing and dancing going haha I win you lose he chooses me over you. Of course, in about five seconds that look of triumph was to be washed from my face. Andrew always did have a way of being just and fair, so I should have expected him to ask I make concessions of my own.

"Now don't look so smug Serena I am not thrilled with you either, nor do I condone your behavior toward Darien, he is my guest and my friend. From the moment, you met him you have acted like a jealous child who had her favorite toy taken away. You have not even given him a chance so it is no wonder he treats you like one. I know how amazing, smart gifted talented you are, so why are you doing your best to prove me wrong?" Each word cut me at first; I could not believe my best friend was sitting here scolding me. I had never been scolded in my whole life, I honestly felt betrayed in that moment.

Darien and I both sat in silence for what seemed like forever thinking about Andrew's words. We knew he had a point but for either of us to admit we were wrong would be a major blow to our pride. Neither of us wanted to crack first, after a while Andrew got up to leave and go back inside the house when he reached the door he stopped for just a second with his back to us and said " You both know you were wrong whether you say it out loud or not. Maybe you should just agree to start fresh if your pride will not let you say it out loud."

I guess it was the push we needed, soon after Darien and I began to spend time together. We became friends slowly after that, in the evening he and I would walk around and talk about our likes and dislikes. I grew to respect him and trust him as I trusted Andrew. Eventually the time came for Andrew and Darien to return to school and I left soon after for privet girl's school. I did not see Darien again until I turned 19; things were different this time. For one I had grown up I was no longer the slightly gawky girl I had been and Darien was even better looking than I remembered. By then I was old enough to understand I was attracted to him.

That summer a lot of things changed, a series of events in my life that have shaped who I am right now happened that summer. I have often wondered what might have happened if I'd been stronger then, if I'd fought harder, sooner. How can something so perfect and right go so wrong?

"Stop it SERENA!" oh that's a riot now I'm screaming at myself, about things no one can change. So much time I've wasted being bitter and angry, I made my choice and I have lived with it. He could have fought for me, he could have come back, we could have had that happy ending but he didn't. It's too painful to relive it all, especially the good moments, but one memory plays on nearly permanent loop in my mind, the night I lost Darien.

My parents had finally caught on that there was something going on between Darien and I, and decided to put a very final and definite end to it all. There was no way in hell they would let what they considered a casual fling interfere with the plans they had set for me. It worked to their advantage that's I was already torn between my feelings for Darien and the duty I felt to my family. I never told him how I truly felt, so he had every reason to believe the lie my parents wove next. They held a party much like the one I am going to tonight and announced to everyone that I was to marry Andrew within the next year. That it had been our families greatest wish for many years, Andrew had no idea what had been going on underneath his nose, so like the dutiful son he was he went along with the lie. Darien was shocked at first, and then devastated, when I didn't deny it, I couldn't even look him in the eye. He kept asking if it was true, and all I could do was tell him it was; that it had been planned and agreed to the moment I was born. The fact I concealed something like that from him was in his eyes a betrayal, and the fact that I wouldn't fight my families edict that I would stand up for my self was even worse. Darien always the gentleman congratulated Andrew and I, and left soon after, I never saw him after that. It was like he vanished; I never got the chance to tell him how much I loved him. Part of me Died that night………

Its almost ironic you could say that Andrew fell hard and fast for one of my dear friends a few months later. I helped them elope, mother and father never completely forgave me for it either. That was four years ago and tonight is Mina and Andrew's anniversary. I always hoped that on the cosmic scale of things that by helping them out maybe just maybe it would make up, for the loss of Darien. It didn't I hit a point where if I got lonely or angry I drank, and since I was lonely and angry most of the time I drank pretty much all the time. When the drinking wasn't enough anymore I ran, like a coward, I left and didn't really look back for a long time. It's been so long since I last saw all my friends.

I met Alan while I was away; Alan helped me break out of that never-ending cycle of pain. While I may never love him the way I loved Darien, of this I am certain: I do care deeply for him, maybe it's enough.

"Serena Sweetheart, are you almost ready? Your friends are probably waiting" - I heard Alan call from the kitchen of our loft. Again I felt as if something was coming that would change things, Alan's voice seems almost Ghost like as if it does not belong here anymore. I shake my head at the thought, as I yell to him that I will be out in a moment, and to bring the car around.

Before leaving, I double-check my reflection if the mirror one more time admiring the way my lavender gown fits. It hugs my body but not to tightly, and my mother would find the halter neckline scandalous, which made it even more perfect. I had complemented it perfectly with silver heels and Teardrop studs hanging from my ears. I halt as I look at my Necklace.

I suddenly realized that somewhere through my reminiscing I had put on the silver locket Darien had given me. My hands move to take it off but I stop, in an odd way it seems almost right to be wearing it. Noticing how much time I have spent, I quickly grab my wrap and purse, and walk out the door just as Alan pulls up in his car, which I affectionately have dubbed the James Bond Mobile.

"Are you ready Princess?" he asked trying to sound cheerful.

" Yes Alan, Did you grab the present I forgot to check?" I asked in a last second panic.

" Yes Serena I grabbed the present. What with you tonight, you seem shaky like something's wrong?"

" It's nothing Alan, I'll be alright." I hope. The rest of the car ride we remained silent it only took 45 minutes to get there much to my surprise. Alan must have been speeding again. I have told him not too repeatedly that one of these times I could just feel that something bad was going to happen. He laughed every time I got one of my feelings. I might have laughed to if it were not for the fact that 9 out of 10 times my feelings actually had been warnings of things to come. Darien always understood my feelings and took them seriously, ugh why can't I get him out of my head. Your happy, finally happy with Alan this is how things are now, accept it and just let go.

The party was decorated expertly, I told Mina once years ago that being a party coordinator was in her blood. We didn't really get to talk much when Alan and I entered since Mina and Andrew had to finish receiving the rest of their guests. I was so glad when we finally got some time alone to catch up. Mina, Andrew Alan and I talked for what seemed like hours and then it happened, the one thing I never expected. It was almost like everything in the room stopped for a second then speed right back up. I felt like a car to be honest had just hit me. Rei, one of my friends from my days at prep school, walked up with Darien on her arm, sporting an engagement ring. The ring was what hurt the most, I knew it quiet well detail for detail, it wasn't just any ring it was the ring Darien and I had designed once on a whim, part of me dreamed that one day he would ask me to marry him with that ring. All I could do was stare at it sitting there on her hand.

"Serena I'd like you to meet my Fiancé Darien Hargrave." I could tell she was so excited, I wanted to be happy for her, but inside I was breaking into a million pieces. The edges of my vision became blury, I remember looking out of the corner of my eye, and I notice Andrew and Mina pale slightly just as the world went black. I suddenly smell something rather pungent, as the smelling salt touches my nose. As the fog lifts, I suddenly remember what it was that caused me to faint in the first place, Darien. After all this time I still cannot look him in the eye, cannot look at him at all without feeling a knife twist in my heart.

I heard Alan say "Here sweetheart let's get you in a chair." concern was written across his face. I accepted his hand as he helped me into the chair noticing Darien studying me all the while.

"Hello Serena, it's been a long time, last time I saw you your family had just announced that you and Andrew were to be married. Whatever became of that?" he said rather bitterly.

In an almost pleading manner Andrew said " Darien can we not dwell on the past, its Mina, and my anniversary tonight. I would prefer it to remain happy and uneventful if possible."

" Andrew, it is all right it has been four years, I think it is time Darien and I talked. He deserves and explanation for what happed as much as I do. Alan, sweetie, why don't you keep Rei company, this could take a while." As I look at him, I see the hurt in Alan's eye is as he realizes that I have been keeping something from him. I lead Darien to one of the guest suits so we can have privacy. As I shut the door, I quickly turn around and ask the one question I have been dying to ask since I saw Rei's hand.

"How could you give her that ring? For Heavens sake she's one of my best friends, have you lost all since of right and wrong, that's our ring!" It sounds almost desperate to my ears as I say it. I quickly walk across the room and stand in front of the fireplace; I stare at the flames. His mere presence making me feel like I was some love struck teenager all over again.

" How on Earth can you say that after what you did to me, Serena! Was it all just a game to you lead me on, while all the while it turns out you were engaged to my best friend! Don't you dare talk to me about right and wrong!" I can hear the pain in his voice.

" I never meant to lead you on. Yes, I knew my parents wanted me to marry Andrew it is all they wanted since the day I was born. However, at some point one has to draw the line between duty and free choice. I drew that line, I told my parent I would not marry Andrew and that I loved you!"

"They would not except accept it at first, but then they told me they would learn to accept it. I foolishly believed them. They had me invite you to that party telling me that it was to celebrate yours and my happiness but all along, it was a sick joke. In their eye's you were a threat to a merger 100 years in the making, and our hearts were acceptable risks. Andrew was furious with them for what they did, once he realized exactly what they had done." I said trembling, I couldn't decide it was from the hurt and anger or the realization that after all this time part of me still wanted him. " Do you know how much that it hurt to see your parents push you into his arms and then tell me I had no place left in your life Serena? Do you? You were like a Sweet Misery I couldn't escape." So much pain was in his voice.

I made the mistake of looking in his eye's then. I couldn't fight it anymore all the pain and longing I had felt for the past four years flared up. One second I was looking at him the next I reached out and pulled his mouth to mine. I knew it was wrong that I was betraying Rei and Alan in an irrevocable way but I did not care. This was our moment the rest didn't matter, not right now. I felt like I was melting, and this warm feeling spread through my body. It was like I was on fire all over but I was enjoying it.

His arms wrapped themselves around me so tightly, it was hard for me to tell where my body ended, and his began. I felt him coax my lips open and soon could taste the champagne he had been drinking earlier on his mouth; it was a sweet yet forbidden elixir. I barely registered it when he started to sift us across the room, until the backs of my legs touched the edge of the chaise, and he started to lean me back on to it. I just wanted to be closer, I started unbuttoning his shirt while he loosened the tie and shrugged his jacket off. His chest was so smooth and toned as I ran my hands across it. Shortly after he released the hooks holding my gown in place. He lifted away for a moment as he grabbed the hem of my gown and began to lift it over my head. He managed to brush against my skin as he moved in an almost teasingly slow manner. I felt almost desperate by the time he was done. It wasn't fair after all this time that he still had such an affect on me but I didn't dwell on the thought. He continued his teasing caresses, playing with my panty line and kissing my stomach as he made his way back toward my face. I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed at his pants nearly braking the zipper I pulled them off with such force. I almost cried when he finally gave in and began fucking me, a vulgar way of referring to things but truthful. What Darien and I were doing right now, it wasn't about love it was about anger and revenge, maybe even lust, but it was certainly most defiantly not making love and sex didn't seem accurate either. However, reality came crashing back the moment we finished and all I could think was about Rei and Alan, how much this would hurt them if they knew what we had just done.

The shame was instant I quickly straightened upright. I did the best I could to replace my gown trying to get every hook eye hooked properly. Glancing in the mirror at my swollen lips, I noted the flushed look on my face as I attempted to fix my hair, all the while repeating "Oh my god, I can't believe we just did that, Rei and Alan would die if they knew." You could hear the shame beneath the panic in my voice. I had a very sudden need to get out of the room and as far from it as I could; I just wanted to forget. How could I betray Alan like this he's been so wonderful.

I didn't give him a chance to reply as I ran from the room going straight for the enemy. I knew Andrew always kept his liquor cabinet open and how the scotch would taste bitter and sweet at the same time as it coated my throat. Three years sober down the drain, after Darien left all those years ago part I thought the booze helped me not to notice. However, that is the thing they did not help me forget. Sure there were those blissful hours of drunkenness were I could not remember my name much less my pain or hurt but when I sobered up. Well it was always still there and sometimes it hurt worse.

I sat in there for what must have been over an hour just trying to drink away the shame, and the taste of his kiss, the feel of his hands on my body, and the memory of how much part of my enjoyed it.

I stumbled in the hallway at first and quickly righted my self along a wall, I had enough practice hiding my drinking it didn't take me long. Unless you walked right up to me and knew what to look for most people wouldn't guess that I'd just downed a bottle of double distilled 20-year-old scotch. I would have gotten away with it to if the first sight to great me hadn't been Rei and Alan dancing together. I had a flash of fear, and the anger I felt toward Rei found it's way to the surface. Of course it wasn't her fault, she like everyone else would never have guessed that I once loved Darien. But no one ever said that drunken logic made sense. I stormed across the room running into more than one person in the process leaving a trail of people staring at me wide eyed. I tapped Rei on the shoulder and when she turned to look I slapped her and proceeded to shove her.

"So is this a new trend of yours Rei stealing my leftovers, moving in and taking over the second I turn my back what Darien wasn't enough you have to take Alan to? Do you even care," I was crying as I said it, may words starting to take on the slightly slurred sound of a drunk person.

She stared at me in utter disbelief, confusion was clear. She had no idea what I was talking about. She had no idea why I was attacking her and no idea how to respond. All she could so was look at me , she was in capable of forming words.

"Serena, your drunk! the recognition of my less than sober state dawning on Alan rather quickly.

" Well no Shit Sherlock how long it take to solve that one. Did you have fun dancing with the little slutt, she's certainly easier to deal with than me right. Cause I'm the cold fish, right."

"Your making a scene Serena you've been sober for three years, and right now you smell like you drank enough to make up for all of it!" about this time Andrew came over to see what was goin on.

"Andrew, do you have a liquor cabinet?" Alan asked him once he determined the odor emanating from me was not that of champagne

" Yeah in the study, you don't think she?"

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here you have a question ask me damnit!" The next thing I knew Alan was doing his best to usher me out of the room, unfortunately for him I wasn't in the mood to leave so he ended up dragging me out kicking and screaming to the car. He tossed me in the passenger seat rather unceremoniously. I saw Andrew come up to talk to him briefly.

I could hear Andrew telling him " That is all right Alan it is not your fault. I should have know this was gonna happen the second Darien showed up, I should have taken steps to keep her from drinking and I should have warned you. But most importantly I shouldn't have let her out of my sight with him. "

" Do me a favor and tell your friend Darien to stay the hell away from Serena. I don't know what he said or what happened, but I'll be damned if I let him get her going back down this road. Damnit ANDREW, no matter what I do there is part or of her that I can't touch, a piece she holds back from me, its taken me years to get her to this point and in a few hours … he manages to push me back to square one." You could hear the frustration in his voice, he started to walk to the other side of the car to get in.

" He does not know Alan, he left before she…." He trailed off knowing it was pointless to explain, and realizing it wasn't his place. "Don't worry I'll let him no exactly how I feel, Serena's like a sister to me."

" Thanks for whatever its worth Andrew, hey in the morning you might want to send Mina over I know I won't be able to get off work and she shouldn't be left alone. Besides maybe she can get something out of her, I have a feeling I won't be getting an explanation from her or at least not a full one." He got in the car and we drove off, and I slowly went into my drunken comma barely registering the damage I'd have to face in the morning.

I saw Andrew coming at me from across the room and he looked like a man on a mission "Darien, where the Hell have you been! I do not know what you said to Serena but she is bushed. Not only did she smack Rei, she cause a scene that resulted in Alan having to carry her kicking and screaming out of the room. She's been sober for three years damn it Darien and in one swoop you screwed her up again. And if you're concerned about Rei relax she's fine other than being confused as all fucking hell. How could you propose to her one knowing she's Serena's friend and two not tell her about your past with her." The anger in his tone plain as day.

" Where is she?" I asked still sorting through the information he gave me.

"If your asking about Rei, Mina took her upstairs to clean up and explain what she could, and if your asking about Serena, Alan took her home to sleep it off. I know you were hurt Darien and if I knew then what I know now I would have been straighter with you. There are some things you need to know about though, Serena had a hard time dealing with losing you, and an even harder time when her family figured out she helped me marry Mina. We all should have seen the signs but I don't think any of us wanted to admit what was really going on at first, she started drinking and pretty heavily at that. It wasn't long till it seemed she was always drunk. We all tried to help her, but she didn't want help. Eventually she ran but she met Alan and thank God she did or she might be dead right now. It took a few years and a lot of hard work to get her sober and to get her to like herself again. Truth be told though, as much as she cares for him he'll never be you and she still isn't over you, so when she couldn't have you she found the next best thing. Alan." He walked away after that to finish settling things and smooth over the ruffled feathers.

I don't think I fully processed everything he told me till three hours later as I tried to fall asleep. And I had no idea what to do about it either. How could something so good, go so wrong? Right now Serena and I could have been married, we could be starting a family of our own, we could have been happy but things didn't go the way I thought they would. I changed, she changed, we let our fate be decided by someone else and we never fought to fix it. What does that say about us? And what about Rei she hasn't done anything wrong? Do I tell her everything the whole truth and nothing but the truth, would she stay, and if she did what would become of us. The only thing I do know right now is I have to try to sort out this mess that Serena and I caused. Somehow she and I have to learn to co exist in our new lives, I don't know if its possible let alone fair to try to fix our past. No we can't pick up now like the rest never happened to many people could be hurt. Why is it the one thing I want most in the world always seems to be just out of my reach? Why can't life be like it is in books and movies where things always work out the way they are meant to and everything magically resolves itself they way it should. Instead its much messier, complicated, painful and I'm not sure any of us will end up getting what we really want in the end, if we do will it be worth it.


End file.
